Noah's Ark: If it Happened Today And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping....and there was no Ark. "Noah," asked the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems." "First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project,and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up
a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Creations I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all
my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to
shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." [BACK] Light bulb changing jokes, Christian-style Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway. Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They
simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.) Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes. Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Q: How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb? A: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. Q: How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? A: "What's a light bulb?" Q: How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
Q: How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one. Q: How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They always use candles instead. Q: How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself. Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But they are still in darkness. Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change????? Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness. Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But soon all thoses around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many baptist's does it take to change a light bulb? A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary
funds, one to go find a national to do the job! Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence." Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? A. 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb
Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to
the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report
back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out. Q: How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb? A: 4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field. [BACK] Denominational Hermeneutics How would the Uniting Church deal with "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?
The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period. This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat,being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body
on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet. Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat.
This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats Day [as it is colloquially known], to be marked by
lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional validity of each. Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It
would explain, traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages. The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat. [BACK]
The Lord’s Prayer.. With A Little Twist
Our Father who art in Heaven. . . .
YES? Don't interrupt me. I'm praying. . . .
BUT YOU CALLED ME.
Called you? I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in Heaven.
THERE, YOU DID IT AGAIN. Did what?
CALLED ME. YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN. . . "
HERE I AM. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like getting my duty done.
ALL RIGHT. GO ON. Hallowed be thy name.
HOLD IT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? By what?
BY "HALLOWED BE THY NAME." It means .... it means .... good grief, I don't know what it means. How should I know? It's just part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?
IT MEANS "HONORED," "HOLY," "WONDERFUL." Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what "Hallowed" meant before. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? Sure, why not?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Do? Nothing, I guess. I just think it would be neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there.
HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU? Well, I go to church.
THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT THAT HABIT OF LUST YOU HAVE? AND YOUR BAD TEMPER? YOU'VE REALLY GOT A PROBLEM THERE, YOU KNOW. AND THEN THERE'S THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY ... ALL ON YOURSELF. AND WHAT ABOUT THE KINDS OF BOOKS YOU READ? Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those phonies at the church.
EXCUSE ME .... I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR MY WILL TO BE DONE. IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT. LIKE YOU, FOR EXAMPLE. Oh, all right! I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
SO COULD I.
I haven't thought about it until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I'd like to, you know, be really free.
GOOD, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WE'LL WORK TOGETHER . . . YOU AND I CAN HAVE SOME VICTORIES THAT CAN TRULY BE WON. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
Look, Lord, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does . . . Give us this day our daily bread.
YOU NEED TO CUT DOWN ON THE BREAD TOO ... YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this, "Criticize Me Day?" Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden You break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU COULD WIND UP CHANGED, YOU KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET ACROSS TO YOU. YOU CALLED ME, AND HERE I AM. IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW. KEEP ON PRAYING. I'M INTERESTED IN THE NEXT PART OF YOUR PRAYER. . . . WELL, GO ON. I'm scared to.
SCARED? OF WHAT? I know what you'll say.
TRY ME AND SEE. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.
WHAT ABOUT SALLY?
See I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why she's told lies about me, cheated me out of money. She never paid back that debt she owes me. I've sworn to get even.
BUT YOUR PRAYER . . . . WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRAYER? I didn't mean it.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST. BUT IT'S NOT MUCH FUN CARRYING THE LOAD OF BITTERNESS AROUND INSIDE IS IT? No, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even. Boy, have I made some plans for ol' Sally! She'll wish she never did me any harm.
YOU WON'T FEEL ANY BETTER. YOU'LL FEEL WORSE. REVENGE ISN'T SWEET. THINK OF HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE ALREADY. BUT I CAN CHANGE ALL THAT. You can? How?
FORGIVE SALLY. THEN I'LL FORGIVE YOU. THEN THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE SALLY'S PROBLEM
AND NOT YOURS. YOU MAY LOSE THE MONEY, BUT YOU WILL SETTLE YOUR HEART. But Lord, I can't forgive Sally.
THEN I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU. Oh, you're right! You're always are. And more than I want revenge on Sally, I want to be right with You. All right! I forgive her. Help her to find the right road in life, Lord. She's bound to be awfully miserable, now that I think about it. Some way, some how, show her the right way.
THERE NOW! HOW DO YOU FEEL? Hmmm. . . not bad. Not bad at all, In fact I feel pretty great. You know, I don't think I'll have to go to bed uptight tonight for the first time since I can't remember. Maybe I won't be so tired from now on because I'm not getting enough rest.
YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER .... GO ON. Oh, all right. ... And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
GOOD . . . GOOD. I'LL DO THAT. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE TEMPTED. What do you mean by that?
QUIT HANGING AROUND THE WRONGPLACES, WATCHING INAPPROPRIATE MOVIES AND TELEVISION, LISTENING TO SINFUL CONVERSATIONS; GETTING INTO COMPROMISING SITUATIONS. CHANGE SOME OF YOUR FRIENDSHIPS. SOME OF YOUR SO-CALLED FRIENDS ARE BEGINNING TO GET TO YOU. THEY'LL HAVE YOU COMPLETELY INVOLVED IN WRONG THINGS BEFORE LONG. DON'T BE FOOLED. THEY ADVERTISE THEY'RE HAVING FUN, BUT FOR YOU IT
WOULD BE RUIN. DON'T USE ME FOR AN ESCAPE HATCH. I don't understand.
SURE YOU DO. YOU'VE DONE IT LOTS OF TIMES. YOU GET CAUGHT IN A BAD SITUATION, YOU GET INTO TROUBLE AND THEN YOU COME RUNNING TO ME. "LORD, HELP ME OUT OF THIS MESS,
AND I PROMISE YOU I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN." YOU REMEMBER SOME OF THOSE BARGAINS YOU TRIED TO MAKE WITH ME? Yes, and I'm ashamed, Lord. I really am.
WHICH BARGAINS ARE YOU REMEMBERING? Well, when the woman next door saw me backing away from the neighborhood bar. I'd told my wife I was going to the store. I remember telling you, "Lord, don't let her tell my wife where I've been. I promise I'll be in church every Sunday."
SHE DIDN'T TELL YOUR WIFE, BUT YOU DIDN'T KEEP YOUR PROMISE, DID YOU?
I'm sorry Lord, I really am. Up until now I thought if I just prayed the Lord's prayer everyday, then I could do what I liked. I didn't expect anything to happen like it did.
GO AHEAD. FINISH YOUR PRAYER. Oh yes....For Thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory forever and forever. Amen.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY? WHAT WOULD MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY? No, but I'd like to know. I want to please You. I can see what a mess I've made out of my life, and I can see how great it would be to really be one of Your followers.
YOU JUST ANSWERED THE QUESTION. I did?
YES, THE ONE THING THAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY IS TO HAVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU TRULY LOVE ME. AND I CAN SEE THAT HAPPENING BETWEEN US. NOW THAT SOME OF THESE OLD SINS ARE EXPOSED AND OUT OF THE WAY, WELL, THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER.
Lord, let's see what we can make of me, OK?
YES, LET'S SEE ..... [BACK] Author: Katy Morris
Copyright 1999
Explanation Of God This was written by an 8 year old, for his third grade homework assignment.
The assignment was to explain God.
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers." "God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His
ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."
"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church." "Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that
they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K." "His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps
His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important." "You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time." "You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church or do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway." "If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids." "But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...That’s why I believe in God." [BACK] Funny How Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. Funny how much difficulty some have learning a simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and explain gossip about someone. Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes"
in God). Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend. Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when
you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace. Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about them rather than what God thinks about them. Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie
. Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing or shopping. Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 200 - 300 pages of a best-selling novel. Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our schedule with a yearly planner, but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice. Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but we can adjust it for a social event at the last minute. Funny how people scramble to get a front seat at any game, but scramble to get a back seat at
church service. Funny how we are so quick to take direction from a total stranger when we are lost, but we are hesitant to take God's direction to be found. Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about them rather than what God thinks about them. Funny how so many churchgoers sing "Standing On the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time. Funny how people think that they can get more accomplished in a lifetime without God than in an hour with Him. Funny how a $10 bill looks so big when you take it to church , but so small when you take it to the mall. Funny how you will not send this message to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. [BACK] Satan’s Convention Satan called a world wide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't
keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep then from reading their Bibles & knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from conservative values. But we can do something else.
We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to church, let them have their conservative
lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that experience in Jesus Christ.
This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour & maintaining that vital connection throughout their day."
"How shall we do this?", shouted his angels.
"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life & invent unnumbered schemes to occupy their minds," he
answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, then, borrow, borrow, borrow. Convince the wives to go to work & the husbands to work 6 or 7 days a week,10-12 hrs. a day, so they can afford their lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work."
"Over stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still small voice. Entice them to play the
radio or cassette player whenever they drive, to keep the TV, the VCR, & their CD's going constantly in their homes. And see to it that every store & restaurant in the world plays music constantly. This will jam their minds & break that union with Christ."
"Fill their coffee tables with magazines & newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hrs. a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, sweepstakes, mail
order catalogues, & every kind of newsletter & promotional offering, free products, services, & false hopes."
"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted & unprepared for the coming week.
Don't let them go out in nature. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts & movies
instead. And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip & small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences & unsettled emotion."
"Let them be involved in soul-winning. But crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health & family unity for the good of the cause." It was quite a convention in the end. And the evil angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy & rush here & there.
Has the devil been successful at his scheme?
You be the judge.
[BACK] If Jesus Came To Your House Would you have to change your clothes before you let Him in? Or hide some magazines, and put the Bible where they'd been? Would you hide your wordly music and put some hymn books out? Could you let Jesus walk right in, or would you rush about? And I wonder .. if the Saviour spent a day or two with you, Would you go right on doing, the things you always do? Would you go right on saying, the things you always say? And would life for you continue as it does from day to day? Would you take Jesus with you everywhere you go? Or would you maybe change your plans for just a day or so? Would you be glad to have Him meet your closest friends? Or would you hope they stay away until His visit ends? Would you be glad to have Him stay forever on and on? Or would you sigh with great relief when He at last was gone? It might be interesting to know, the things that you would do, If Jesus came in person, to spend some time with you. Author Unknown [BACK] How Old is Grandma? Stay with this - the answer is at the end
How old is Grandma? One evening a granddaughter was talking to her grandmother about current events. The granddaughter asked her grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
Then the young girl asked how old her grandmother was and what life was like in her youth.
The grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute....., she said sweetly, and I'll tell you about my life. I was born before television, jet planes, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, fat free or calorie free, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, sugar substitutes, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and
the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. Singers sang without loud speakers and superdomes didn't exist.
Your grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors. And Sunday supper was always a big deal. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between
right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not
purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, stereos, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out'
referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. If you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.
We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am ???. *
* This woman is only 64 years old. [BACK] A Question of God "Professing to be wise, they became fools. . ." "LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?" "Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?" "Absolutely." "Is God good?" "Sure! God's good." "Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?" "Yes." "Are you good or evil?" "The Bible says I'm evil." The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?" "Yes sir, I would." "So you're good...!" "I wouldn't say that." "Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could...in fact most of us would if we could. God doesn't." [No answer] "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus
to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?" [No answer] The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?"
He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. "Let's start again, young fella." "Is God good?" "Er... Yes." "Is Satan good?" "No." "Where does Satan come from?" The student falters. "From... God..." "That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking, student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the
Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?" "Yes, sir." "Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Yes." "Who created evil?" [No answer] "Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All the terrible things - do they exist in
this world?" The student squirms on his feet. "Yes." "Who created them?"
[No answer] The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor
closes in for the kill and climbs into the Christian's face. In a still small voice: "God created all evil, didn't He, son?" [No answer] The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class
is mesmerised. "Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the
brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?" [No answer] "Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" Pause. "Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and whispers, "Is God good?" [No answer] "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?" The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do." The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Him?" "No, sir. I've never seen Him." "Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?" "No, sir. I have not." "Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus...in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?" [No answer] "Answer me, please." "No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't." "You're AFRAID... you haven't?" "No, sir." "Yet you still believe in him?" "...yes..." "That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?" [The student doesn't answer] "Sit down, please." The Christian sits...Defeated. Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address the class?" The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering."
The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as
heat?" "Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat." "Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too." "No, sir, there isn't." The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly goes very cold. The second Christian continues. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no
heat but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than 458 - You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it." Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom. "Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?" "That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?" "So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes..." "You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low
light, normal light, bright light, flashing light but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you...give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?" Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us what your point is, young man?" "Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...." The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!"
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?" The class is all ears. "Explain... oh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability itself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue. "You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death, as the opposite of life
is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it." The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a neighbour who has been reading it.
"Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?" "Of course there is, now look..." "Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?" The professor's face has turned an alarming colour. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless. The Christian continues. "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if he exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil. What is that work, God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."
The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognise the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable." "I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going," the Christian replies. "Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?" "If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?" The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare.
"Professor. Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a priest?" "I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" The professor hisses. "So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is - that's science!" "Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of
observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed..." "SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor splutters. The class is in uproar. The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?" The professor wisely keeps silent. The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out in laughter.The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain... felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain?" No one appears to have done so.
The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no-one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's brain whatsoever. Well, according to the rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol,science, I DECLARE that the professor has no brain." The class is in chaos. The Christian sits... Because that is what a chair is for. Author Unknown Also See Barriers to Faith | 
